Obama Issues Executive Order, Nationalizes Christmas

After months of mass citizen protests against the inherent inequality of life, Obama has signed an executive order effectively nationalizing Christmas saying “We couldn’t wait for congress to act. Christmas is the epitome of inequality.” The unilateral presidential act institutes the new Committee Over All Holiday Levity or COAHL, which has been granted the authority to write sweeping regulations in order to “make Christmas accessible to all the peoples of the land, including the poor, the Muslims, and I suppose, if we have to, the atheists.”

COAHL has issued a preview of their intentions, saying they are following the new presidential edict to the letter and issuing regulations according to some notes the president scribbled in the margins. The new regulations will be phased in over 2 years beginning in 2012. In the first year Americans will be required to give Christmas presents equally. For example, If a family has more than one child, each child must receive either the same present or an equivalent present, which equivalency will be dictated by a series of charts to be released before next summer. For spouses no individual is allowed to give a gift of more than 25% greater value than their neighbor’s spouse receives. Just to get people started, neighborhoods will be divided up into zones describing the value of allowable gift levels by zone. Each relationship in a person’s life will have similar guidelines for gift giving.

In the second year of the plan, 2013, no family may spend less or more on Christmas then they spent the year before, nor may they spend more on presents than the poorest family that is still able to buy presents, however they must spend at least as much as their nearest neighbor on the left hand side spent, if you’re facing their door from the outside. Failure to adhere to these rules could result in imprisonment or fines.

Parents, songs, movies, and any books are hereby banned from mentioning the naughty list, or from making any reference a relationship between Christmas presents and behavior of any kind, whether naughty or nice, since that’s racist.

All businesses will be required to invite 25% of their total number of employees in extra Holiday Party guests. Additionally, they will be required to hand out $5 Starbucks gift cards at homeless shelters, in an amount to be determined, but commensurate with their profits.

The wealthy will be required to subsidize all the typically Christmas Disenfranchised by buying extra gifts. The richer a man is the higher his required sacrifice. Extra gifts will be weighed and deposited in special government gift collection trucks that will be sent to each town, recently coined “Santa’s Sleighs” by Nancy Pelosi. The top 1% earners sacrifice will be measured in tons as not only must they buy an approximate semi load of extra Christmas presents, but must also buy tree lights, scented candles, and other decorations. “No family should be without a pine scented candle during the holiday season.” Said Obama in a statement a month ago, giving the first indication that he might be philosophically in line with the protesters.

Protesters are celebrating but say changes are just a first step. Since it will be impossible to make sure all peoples get some kind of Christmassy joy, the more extreme among them insist on a complete ban on Christmas, and possibly joy, altogether.